In the Beginning: What I was told when I started dating…

When I officially began dating, I was told by a number of people who I should be dating, where I should be looking for my husband, and from whom I should be seeking assistance.

I had a rough picture in my head of who I would marry; what he would look like; what he would sound like; what his interests would be… and other people had ideas for me as well…

I found someone who is completely different to anything that I could have expected. However, he’s the best husband in the world and I can’t ask for anything more.

The following article will explore and hopefully dispel some of the myths that I encountered when I began dating. It will also provide some necessary bits of advice.

Myth 1: “You are 25. Why aren’t you married yet?”

My answer to the first person who ever asked me this question was, “Why is this any of YOUR business?!?”, although I admit I could have been a bit more tactful when answering the question.

I didn’t have a chance to really explore Judaism within an Orthodox framework until I moved to Israel at the age of 25 years old. With the assistance of wonderful friends and mentors, I earned six scholarships and was privileged to attend both Shearim College of Jewish Studies for Women (www.shearim.com) and Midreshet Rachel V’Chaya College of Jewish Studies for Women (www.darchenoam.org/mr/mr_home.htm) during the 2006-2007 academic year. I had a wonderful experience and for a number of reasons I made Aliyah as a single woman on December 27, 2007.

I decided not to date while learning at these two wonderful Torah institutions. At the age of 25, I was already “frum”, but I needed to learn more about myself before I could determine who I would want to marry. I also witnessed many friends trying to balancing their “dating life” in the evenings while also trying to absorb as much as they could in seminary during the day. For many, it was a difficult task. I decided to learn as much as I could while I was in seminary, so that I would know what was most important to me when I returned to the “real world” outside.

Myth 2: “I am getting close to 30. What I am going to do? How will I get married?”

In many of the communities I have lived in over the years, there seems to be pressure for many women to get married by a certain age. As I stated in my previous answer, I did not decide to date until I was 25 because I was still making sure I knew who I was. You must know yourself before you can decide who you will marry.
Many women do not become “frum” or convert to Judaism until they are in their 30’s or 40’s. I have tremendous amounts of respect for these women who tend to have already established themselves in many aspects of their lives.

While there is a correlation between age and maturity level, there are no rules when it comes to the dating world. If two people are a good match for each other, age is a meaningless number. Women should be confident in who they are at any age and should know that Hashem has chosen the right person for them, irrespective of age.

Myth 3: “You can only date a man older than you.”

Again, at the age of 25, everyone thought that they knew what would be best for me. I was frequently told to date men who were older. Over the years, many of my ex boyfriends from the “old world” had actually been younger. I had a strange feeling I was looking for someone younger than myself.

I kept an open mind when I reached the “frum dating” scene and dated men who were both older (one gentleman was 12 years my senior ---how about that for an open mind?) and younger than me.

In the end, I knew what was best. Only ten months separate the two of us, but I am older than my husband. He is very mature and well adjusted. To be honest, I do not think his age has anything to do with it.

Myth 4: “You can only date a man who has a master’s degree or a doctorate (Ph.D.)”

Once again, because I came to Israel after finishing a master’s degree at McGill University, many individuals thought I might intimidate a man who did not himself have any letters next to his name.

At the end of the day, your degree(s) do not determine your worth. This should also be true when you are dating. While you may date someone who has a similar profession or academic background, and you may have some fun conversations on the first couple of dates, your marriage will not be based on whether or not your future husband is a quantum physicist.

Also, in the modern world in which we currently live, our careers often can change and our degrees become irrelevant. It is known that the average ‘worker’ changes careers three times before retirement.

Our ketubah reads that my husband must support me both financially and emotionally. He does so with flying colors and our degrees are not a part of this equation.

Myth 5: “What’s your hashkafah (outlook)?”

While out in the dating world, someone once said that they didn’t want to go on a second date with me because, “…there were too many hashkafah differences…” You will want to marry someone who indeed has a similar outlook on life, but neither you nor the person you are dating will find the perfect hashkafah match. What is most important is that you marry someone who will want to grow with you.

Remember, are you dating a person or a hashkafah?

Myth 6: “I only go on dates arranged through a shadchan” or “I will not go to a shadchan”.

Have you ever made these statements?

These are famous last words of many of my friends who met there husbands through the means by which they were not wanting or expecting. In her book, Head to Heart, Rebbetzin Gila Manolson says it is important to let people know you are dating so that they will be able to make suggestions for you. Every person who tries to set you up on a date is trying to do some chessed for another person-YOU! Please allow them the opportunity to help you. You never know who Hashem will send as a shaliach. Also, a “shadchan” may be a formal title, but a close friend may end up being your shadchan. Don’t get stuck on the word!

Little Bits of Advice

As always, take them each with a grain of salt.

Make sure you have a Rabbi, Rebbetzin, or a married mentor to help check references of a proposed match for you and to provide insight.
Do not go to too many people for advice. This will just confuse you and will make your dating experience miserable. Refer to point one just above.
Don’t tell too many people about your “dating life”. It’s really not their business and this relates to point 2. Also, your roommates may figure it out since you live with them. Use your judgment if it is wise to discuss dating with them.
Recognize what’s important to you BEFORE you go on a date. Everyone and their mother will ask you “Nu, what are you looking for?” We know you want a mentsch, but what else about him should be significant?
Be aware of signs and signals which might indicate aggressive or abusive behavior. If you suspect something to be wrong, refer the case to the shadchan or to one of your mentors.
Unless you are absolutely sure that this is not the right guy, always give a young man a second or even third date. Find one thing about him that you like and focus on that point throughout the second date. You will find that he will grow on you. This piece of advice saved our relationship!
If you don’t like a particular shadchan or service, then don’t use them. Most shadchanim are very busy with this important mitzvah and no one will be offended if you decide you would rather use another person or source.
Go on every date and ask yourself this question: “What can I learn from this person?” Dating is not a chessed, but it can be a tremendous learning experience. You may have heard that with every person we date, we get closer to our bashert. This is because we are learning more about ourselves and what is truly important to us. Every man that I have dated was a mentsch—just not the mentsch for me! Keep that in mind when dating. It will make for a much more pleasant experience.
Don’t get angry if a shadchan or service didn’t get it right. Sometimes you will finish a date and think “What were these people thinking?” Let’s get this straight. They were thinking that they want to help you find your bashert. Again, keep this in mind and it will help you keep a good attitude while dating.
Sawyouatsinai.com, frumster.com, and makeashidduch.org are three websites that help religious singles online. I have heard mixed reviews about the online dating scene. However, I would like to mention that I do have friends that have met their husbands through sites such as these. Keep it in mind as an option but don’t rely too heavily on it.
Don’t be afraid to take a break from dating. You will know if you need it. Don’t let others pressure you. Your bashert will come at the right time.
Keep an open heart and an open mind. I thought I would meet someone who was tall, dark, boisterous, and outgoing. My husband has fair skin, is of average height, has red hair, and is relatively quiet. He is the complete opposite of anything I would have expected. However, he is perfect for me and Hashem truly answered all of my prayers. I am a very high-strung, energetic person. My own mother told me that she never saw me as calm as she did on my wedding day! I was not nervous because I found the other half of me. What else could I have possibly asked for from Hashem?

My husband and I now reside in Jerusalem. If you have any questions regarding this article, please write an email to marna.becker@gmail.com. If you would like to reproduce or distribute this article, please email me for permission.

by Marna Becker

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