Dealing with Infertility
Do you ever get the belly look? Not sure what I’m talking about – let me paint the picture. You meet someone new within the Jewish world; after names are given they ask you how long have you been married. Your answer may vary from 2 – 10 years, but that isn’t so important. Then the kicker question comes, “do you have any children?” If the answer is no, do you notice how the person’s eyes go immediately for the belly, looking to see if there is a telltale bulge there?
This is just one of the many scenarios one deals with when they are struggling with infertility. Not only is there the internal pressure you are putting on yourself, but specifically within the Jewish world there is also the communal pressure due to the value we place on procreating. However, what you must remember is that you are not going through this alone. I am not going to say, don’t worry it will happen for you, because no one but Hashem can guarantee that, though there are many pieces of advice and information I have gathered through my experience that I hope may be helpful to you.
Qualification: I am not an expert, this is just what I have learned/picked up. Make sure that you are in contact with medical experts, and if needed experienced therapists during this process. Additionally, this article is written with a couple dealing with medical infertility in mind. Though couples dealing with halachic infertility may find points of this article helpful your path may be different.
If your gut is telling you something is wrong, don’t ignore it.
All to often we really on statistics and medical professionals, however, we need to be our own primary advocate. Statistics tell us if you are under 35 to wait one year before seeing a specialist, or 6 months if you are over 35. Don’t take this number as a minimum, keep the conversation open with your gynecologist and talk to them about any signs to look for that might signify intervention is needed. This doesn’t work so well if the issue is with the male, but many female issues represent themselves in easily identifiable ways (ie length of menstrual cycle, weight, diabetes or other pre-existing conditions). If you don’t feel your gynecologist is being responsive to your needs, look for another doctor. This is too important to allow things to be ignored.
Find a Rabbi you are comfortable with.
The road of infertility might lead to many conversations with a Rabbi of a delicate nature. Make sure you are comfortable talking with your Rabbi about everything, and I mean everything. If you are not, you might be throwing some rocks on the road, where he could be removing them. Make sure your Rabbi is also comfortable advising you in this regard. If they aren’t they will usually let you know, and held you find a Rabbi who is able to assist you. You might also want to think about if you want a Rabbi who is willing to speak with your doctor’s and run interference for you or if you are planning to do all the explaining. Also make sure to discuss with your Rabbi how the laws of hilchot niddah may be different to accommodate your condition.
See a specialist.
Your general gynecologist is not educated to fully deal with infertility, make sure you are seeing a specialist in the field. Look to your doctor or local infertility organizations to help you find a specialist in your area. Be prepared to provide detailed medical history at the first appointment, and make sure to bring a pen and paper since they will provide you with a lot of information to digest. Don’t expect immediate treatment. At a minimum a full blood workup will be required before most clinics will start treatment. Very important – make sure the office is accessible and comfortable. You may reach the point that you are being monitored every day and you want a facility that is convenient to work and home.
Get support, and your husband does not count.
Of course, you and your husband should be supports for each other during this difficult time, but find a girlfriend, mentor or random person to complain to, cry with or ask advice from. If you rely only on your husband it will wear down your relationship. Also, the issues you and your husband will face may be different, and having someone that can identify specifically with what you are going through can be very helpful. You also might feel more comfortable talking to a female about some issues. There are many organizations you can look to (Resolve, ATime, Chana, Machon Puah, to name a few). Additionally, your local mikvah woman may be a great source of information and might be able to put you in contact with someone local. Or please feel free to contact me (
irbranda@yahoo.com).
Live.
This sounds like a simple one – only one word. However, too often people allow the struggle with infertility to consume their lives. It is really important to try and continue living. When we first spoke with our Rabbi he said to us that we should appreciate this time that we have where it is just the two of us and the opportunities that it presents. We can go out to dinner, a show/movie, travel, etc. and not have to worry about babysitters or feeding schedules. Though it is hard to appreciate, because all you want to do is worry about those things, use this time wisely. Treat yourself, pamper yourself and your spouse in ways that will become more difficult once a child is in the picture.
Decide as a unit when to tell family and friends.
Initially, this might be something you want to keep between yourselves, however, there may come a time/point that more people need to know that you are dealing with infertility. One thing I read that stuck with me – you are dealing with a medical condition – it is not something to feel ashamed about or feel the need to hide. There are many pros and cons to telling people and only the two of you can decide when the time is right. Some things to think about – do you want the support and understanding family and friends can provide for you? Are you prepared to discuss your treatment/feelings with others? Is the emotional and/or physical toll of treatment affecting how you interact with others? Though it may be difficult to “come out” it also may make your life easier by not having to make excuses for yourself on a regular basis.
Take care of yourself, not others.
It is really important while going through treatment to try and prevent additional stresses and upsetting situations. That being said please refer back to “Live” and make sure that section is not being ignored. However, don’t demand of yourself to continue doing everything that you did before recognizing the struggle with infertility. If it will be too painful to go to your friend’s birthday party for their first child, politely decline and find another activity to keep yourself busy. If hanging around during Kiddush time is too hard, go take a walk outside. Keep in mind trying to find a balance between your personal health and maintaining friendships and a social life.
Know that people say stupid stuff.
Whether people are aware that you are dealing with infertility or not, at some point they will say something stupid. I remember right after we served as kivatarim at a bris someone came up to me and noted they saw us carrying the baby in and wanted to make sure I knew that was a segulah for having children. I recall responding something along the lines of hope it works and then I was trapped in an extended conversation of ultrasound reports, nursery shopping and swollen feet. Though I felt hurt, I know none of this was intentionally said to hurt me, but just a friend trying to share with me what was going on in her life.
Last, but definitely not least.
Remember Hashem.
Though we cannot begin to comprehend the master plan Hashem has for all of us, it is there. Remember you are not at this alone, but Hashem is looking out for you. Sometimes you might feel the need to scream at him, sometimes to cry on his shoulder, sometimes to turn your back – all of which are ok. Just at the end of the day try to take a moment and remember something Hashem did for you that day, even as “mundane” as providing you air to breath or as important as finding you a wonderful/supportive husband to go through this experience with.
I hope some of my thoughts and advice are helpful to you and may we all be zocheh to experience the joys of motherhood many times over.
Ilana Branda
