Personal Miscarriage Testimony 

Just before Pesach last year, I got married to my wonderful husband. We’d had to wait quite a long time until the wedding day (2 years since we had started dating!) and we settled ecstatically into newly married life. We were overwhelmed and overjoyed to find out that I was pregnant. We told our parents straight away but decided not to tell anyone else until I was 12 weeks just to be on the safe side. Nevertheless I was bursting to tell my friends, so when the 12 week mark came and went, I texted my entire phone book our news. Everyone was delighted for us and my life continued to be somewhat dreamlike.

The following week I found a small brown stain when I went to the bathroom. I freaked out and phoned (of all people!) my Rebbetzin, who very calmly told me it was probably fine, people get kesamim in pregnancy and I should speak to my doctor. The doctor advised me to get it checked out at the hospital, so my boss drove me there as I was in no fit state to drive. I wasn’t able to get hold of my husband as his mobile phone wasn’t on, so I phoned my dad, who met me at the hospital’s A&E department. After a couple of basic checks the hospital sent me home with pills to get rid of a water infection, and I went to bed very relieved.

Everything was fine the next day, until the evening when I found a darker brown stain than the previous one. I phoned my doctor, who told me to keep an eye on it and to go to the hospital again if anything got worse.

When I woke up for work the next day, which was Friday, I found a lot of blood, and a blood clot. I’m pretty sure that it was the foetus. I looked at it on the tissue paper, and said “no”. I flushed the piece of paper (which retroactively makes me feel sick) and we went off to the hospital with me in excruciating pain.

I won’t write about the rest of that day, needless to say it was a horrendous experience and I was numb afterwards. B”H I made it to my parents int time for Shabbos, and it was only when I came to bentch licht that the enormity of my loss hit me. That was 14 months ago and when I think about how I felt trying to light and get the words of the brocha out, I cry like I did that day. I’m distraught and helpless.

The first couple of months were the hardest, but even by month 7 since the miscarriage I wasn’t myself. The only thing I wanted was to be pregnant again, so every time I was niddah, I went through the same trauma. Basically, I wasn’t able to realize, while feeling so down, that I wanted to have control of a situation that isn’t in my hands, but is in the hands of Hashem. And I also didn’t see that I was depressed only at certain times of the month. The majority of the time I was on top of my emotions, but my low feelings were certainly frequent enough to cause concern.

In the meantime, my husband was a constant support to me. Despite not really want to talk about the experience, he was happy for me to talk.  It turned out that the long wait to get married was exactly what we needed to be able to weather the storm as a unit. He came with me when I decided to see a therapist about managing my low moods.

I made certain attitude changes too, which game me the energy to continue. I started davening for those of my friends who had had miscarriages or who hadn’t had kids yet. One by one these friends told me their good news, which only filled me with more and more happiness. When you really feel someone else’s pain it’s very easy to feel real simcha when it is alleviated.

Had I not had this attitude shift, I probably would have continued to be more and more down each time I heard my friend’s good news. Since I was davening for them sincerely, I almost felt like my tefillos helped, so of course I was glad. I could contribute to their happiness.

B”H, bli ayin hara, about a month after my due date would have been, I found out that I was expecting again. Despite being elated at the news, I was extremely anxious. We didn’t tell our parents until week 12, and everyone else until I was a little past the 5 month mark. Things haven’t been entirely smooth, but B”H I’m now in my 31st week and I’m very, very grateful to Hashem for giving me the opportunity to get rid of my hormonal depressions (which I’d had since age 14 as it turns out, not just since the miscarriage), to become someone who is more sensitive to other people’s pain and misfortune, and to be able to get pregnant again. Even if a person does miscarry, at least they originally got pregnant, which means iy”H then can get pregnant again.

May we all merit to have our tefillos answered l’tovah, and may we have many beautiful offspring who should bring us much nachas, and may we see the coming of Mashiach Bimherah B’Yameinu.

 Anonymous