Miscarriage

That word is awful. Miscarriage. It implies that something missed, that something was supposed to be right but it went wrong. It implies blame.

When I lost my first pregnancy, I blamed myself terribly. I thought physically maybe I’d been too active, maybe I was eating the wrong things, maybe it was my body, and maybe I would never have a child. Spiritually, I thought it was retribution for all the bad things I’d done before I’d become religious. Or since I’d become religious. I though G-d hated me and was meting out Divine Punishment.

Of course, I was totally, utterly wrong.

I spent days and nights crying. It didn’t help that it hurt like hell (in fact worse than actual labour as it was constant pain not in waves. And I’ve done labour without drugs so I know), and my husband couldn’t do anything to help. Every month that went by, every time I got a period, I felt that I was having another miscarriage.

So what is the true story on miscarriage?

When I was on my way home from the hospital after finding out that the foetus was gone, I called a good friend. The words she told me blew me away.

In the Olam HaNeshamos (Hall of Souls), all souls wait to come into a physical body. Before the End of Days and arrival of Mashiach, all the souls have to come into physicality.

Some souls, however, are so pure, so holy, that the transition into physicality is too great and painful for them. But as we are coming closer to the time of Mashiach, they, too, have to come down. So Hashem finds bodies to hold them that are special, to hold those incredible souls, and they don’t stay long. Just long enough to fulfill their tafkid (purpose) of achieving physicality.

And I know this is true. Because I don’t know one person who has had a miscarriage that isn’t a special person, an incredible neshama in her own right.

I decided to talk about my experience and found many, many women ‘coming out of the woodwork’ so to speak. Some of these women gave me great advice such as using ovulation strips to ensure my fertility, where to get cheap pregnancy tests, where to daven and how to ensure I got the ear of Heaven.

Other women told me how to ensure a happy baby and healthy pregnancy by bringing laughter and joy into the bedroom. This ensures Hashem’s presence and not the presence of tension and pressure.

One of the consequences I have found of being open about my miscarriage is the overwhelming number of women who have come to me when they had one themselves. I think I can now count on one hand the number of women I know who HAVE NOT had a miscarriage. 1/3^rd  of first pregnancies end in miscarriage. That’s a lot of women who are sharing your pain and disappointment with you! 1/5^th of  subsequent pregnancies end in miscarriage, too. In fact, when I spoke to my mentor, a chareidi woman who lives in North Manchester, she said that she thinks she’s had 3 or 4 miscarriages between her 9 kids.

Despite the fact that you have been a receptacle for a holy neshama and therefore can’t blame yourself, you are allowed to feel pain and distress. After all, even though you knew you shouldn’t, you got your hopes up, right? You were expecting a baby!

Everyone deals with loss in different ways. I found it easier to put it behind me and move on, concentrating on getting pregnant, quickly, again. Other women have decided to take a break from trying for a while, to pull themselves together again. Others never forget their ‘angels in heaven’ and consider them true children. It’s up to you and how you feel.

One thing to focus on is that you got pregnant once, right? So that means you’re capable of it and your husband is capable of getting you pregnant. That’s more than half the story. When it’s the right time for you, when Hashem thinks you are ready, then you’ll get your baby, please G-d.

I know my husband and I grew immeasurably getting through our pain together. It has stood us in good stead when our children have suffered through countless illnesses (it’s not so easy having kids, you know!). I have also been able to help support many women with their pain, only because of what I had to go through.