As we all know our own individual lives have ups and downs, that’s the challenge of life; to ascertain how best to deal with them and in the same way we should expect our marriages to have a few ups and downs.  Having this expectation will reduce pressure for both spouses and help you both to consider improving your marriage on a regular basis and to remember always that improvement is a good, positive thing and should be welcomed with open arms.  Something that cannot be improved is perfect and as we know nothing is perfect apart from G-d.

So here are a few tips of how to get that new marriage off to a good start and how to keep it fresh…

1. As many will know, Hebrew words with the same root have similar meanings and links between each other. In terms of relationships and especially marriage, don’t forget this important message...the root of the word ‘AHAVA’, meaning to love, is ‘HAV’ which means to give thus if you both GIVE you naturally both RECEIVE!...Obvious right! BUT it doesn’t mean GIVE whatever 'I' feel like giving (although sometimes there is room for that) but what my spouse wants to receive.

So I may want to give my husband some really nice smelling aftershave but he doesn’t really wear smelling ones that much and he would really love the book on the new Ferraris which I find boring...I should give him the book!

Presents are much easier to follow in this arena but where it really comes into play is where you give up something of you for something really important to them.

For example: I’m home before my husband and cook for us dinner sometimes...I’m cooking away, and really want to sit down as I’ve had a long day at work...he comes in really tired and achy from the bus and says 'My back is killing me from those long bus rides, Id love a little backrub/massage for 2 minutes if you have the time'.

What happens now? The little devil on my shoulder (known as the yetzer hora in Jewish terms) goes 'cant be bothered, cant be bothered, I’ve been slaving over a stove for last hour'...and the little angel (known as the yetzer tov) goes 'sure id love to give you something you really need right now'. Try and follow the selfless angel as much as you can and really try and listen out for that selfish devil and selfless angel competition...often the devil pops up when there's effort or ego coming in to play.  Obviously you need to know your limits but it’s good to really listen out for those two competing and to try and act on your selfless angel as much as possible…not only will it make him feel great, it will make you feel accomplished and good about yourself and giving to him AND you’ll feel closer!

An aside, a good thing to remember is that the yetzer hora and yetzer tov are like child and adult…a child is very self until taught how to be more thoughtful of others; we all have some child still and just have to keep training it to be more thoughtful and aware of others.

2. This next point has made our marriage amazing...when it comes to making decisions that will affect both of you (which ends up to be a lot of things) ALWAYS think in terms of the RELATIONSHIP as opposed to the individual. Remembering this point is a massive thing and will keep you communicating, showing respect for each other, naturally evaluating where you are at as a couple and creating a marriage as opposed to 2 people just living with one another and going about their daily business, bumping into one another here and there. Things concerning money, families, kids, where to live, friends, opposite sex, when you need time for yourselves are big ones.

This, naturally will also define your areas of ego; where you’re ‘me, me me’ and therefore what you can work on in your individual life assessments.

3. ALWAYS look for ways to show your respect for your husband and that he is the greatest man that ever lived, don’t be corny but point out areas where you think he did something amazing and you were so impressed. Ensure he knows often that he is great. A wife can be very responsible for her husband's success just from the way she treats him. He will in turn show you love.  Remember, that no one is a mind reader and you and your husband will undoubtedly get to know one another well but never presume you can read what each other is thinking. State things that you even feel are obvious, for example, he knows you think he’s good at maths but when he does a specific equation to work something out or works out discrepancies in the bills tell him that THAT specific act was really good and you could never do that.

4. BIG ONE: Remember you're on the same team, you're playing doubles tennis and you're both on the same side of the net you are NEVER playing Singles tennis!!! 

You can differ in opinion but try to come to a point of compromise if your differences are preventing you from going further into something. Both of you should back down a bit from what you want to do so you both end up doing a bit of what you want.

DO NOT disagree with your husband in front of lots of other people, especially his mates, bite your tongue as hard as you can, he will read it as disrespecting him in front of everyone. It is best to bring it up subtly and sensitively at home that u kind of see his point but also kind of see the other point too!  The topic will pass quite quickly but the comment you make against him wont. Go to the bathroom if you really need to say something and think you're going to blurt it out!!!

5. Try not to tell him what to do as remember it's what YOU think is right not what necessarily is right (even if you know MOST people would agree that you were right) but you can tell him what you like and what bothers you a little but always use 'I' as opposed to 'YOU do this all the time'. For example, if he leaves his socks everywhere don’t shout or lose your temper after the 10th time of picking them up 'Can you not leave your socks everywhere!!', think about it and when the socks are NOT everywhere say to him 'For some reason I’m finding it hard to get used to socks on the floor all the time, nothing against you at all it’s just something I’m finding hard to get used to, so I was thinking that as I’m finding it hard I was just wondering if we can both think of a way of getting at least some of the socks into the laundry basket.’ Using the 'can we both think of a way' is a great line when something is bothering you and to say ‘It makes ME feel’ as opposed to ‘YOU make me feel’ OR 'is there any way, that maybe we could...' is also good...try to speak in the positive as much as possible.  Men generally don’t like to be wrong and don’t like to know that they have upset their wives, they feel rejected and their egos feel hurt, if you say something that you can see upset him as it made him feel like he hurt you, say ‘I can see I said something in a way that hurt you which obviously I totally didn’t mean, can you think of a better way to phrase it’.

6. Pick your times well to discuss something that has been bothering you, do not try to resolve something midst anger, stroppiness etc, let the emotion happen and know within your marriage that you will discuss it later when the emotion has subsided, this should be a known thing for you both.

7. NEVER get him to do something or tell him anything when he first walks through the door...try ALWAYS to greet him with a smile and hug and kiss or at least a 'hi darling' and let him do his stuff for a few minutes until he comes to you. Give him at least 10 minutes to go to the bathroom, take off his shoes, change into something comfortable etc before telling him anything or asking him to do anything EVEN if you DESPERATELY want to tell him something sad or happy, you’ve waited this long for him to come home, 10 minutes longer wont kill you but may just totally affect the state he is in to receive and respond to your news. That's a major GIVE in the marriage to a man!!!

8. Trust goes without saying!!! If opposite sex friends are ever an issue remember to use the 'I feel' phrase, for example: ' I know you're friends, but for some reason it makes me feel jealous even though I trust you totally and I don’t know what to do...can we think about it together?'

9. DATES!!! Ensure to have a date night once a week at least, that's you and him and no one else be it at home or out and try not to answer phones either!!!  Make this a HUGE priority and something you decide at the beginning of each week, for example: when it is and what it is but at least when it is, this is a thing that can be easily compromised but shouldn’t at all!!!

10. Remember that it doesn’t matter how long you have known each other, you're always learning one another and are not mind readers, give each other some slack for forgetting things about one another and spell things out for one another sensitively...For example, 'Thanks so much for thinking of all the ways to resolve this problem but the reason why I've been defensive to all of them is coz really I just want to talk and get it all out and not even want a resolve at the moment'. Men often want to resolve and women often want to be heard.

11. Be happy to say 'Im sorry' and 'Thank you', both require admitting you're vulnerable and that you messed up or that you needed something but that’s fine because you're not perfect. Couples should never EVER forget to say these 2 things!

This is only the tip of the iceberg.  The reality is, you married this guy for so many wonderful reasons, remember them and keep adding to them.  Seeing all the little positive things and telling him (and thus yourself) will increase your love and admiration for him and desire to please him and give to him and your respect and positive feelings will generate desires in him to give to you.  Of course we all have niggles about some aspects of our husbands and they do about you too you know, but don’t dwell on them, dwelling is not moving forward, think of positive ways to act on these frustrations.  All hurdles overcome bring you closer to becoming one!